As humans it is humorous and yet sick what we will do to avoid pain. The easy ones to point to are the addicts. Some take drugs or drink heavily to avoid pain. Some become shop-a-holics and others become sex addicts. What do the other's do who can't tolerate pain and yet don't have a bent toward addiction?
In my life I have learned to hurl myself headlong into the pain and experience it fully. This skill, if you will, is in direct conflict with most of the human race. When I am in pain people have a hard time being around me, even those few who love me dearly, because there is no secret about what I am experiencing. I don't make other's take it on or push my pain off on someone else, but I do experience it as a real moment in life. I guess watching it is hard to tolerate. However, what I have learned is that if I don't just do the work of experiencing it, the pain will linger on forever and give me consequences I do not care to tolerate.
This is all a good plan.... until.... my way of dealing with pain comes into direct conflict with another persons way of dealing with it, and that person or persons just so happens to be causing my pain. Generally, I would just avoid that person, set of people or situation, until I have completed my process. What to do when avoiding doesn't work and I have to be present with the pain-maker while I process my pain? Add a complicating factor that the pain-maker does not address conflict or issues with others. Ever.
If I had a lot more in my bank account I would hire someone to complete my work and go walk the Camino. Last I checked I did not have the funding for that, so I need another plan. I have no good solutions and I have a lot of possible negative outcomes. The worst possible outcome is that I will end relationships for others. It is fine if I end relationships for myself. That is an outcome that I have come to accept in my life because many cannot, or will not, accept the solid boundaries that I have or the way that I live my life. It is not a good thing if people end their relationships with other because of me.
What do I do in those situations where I am holding on to my pain for the benefit of those I love and someone bumps into it and it pours out all over? Among my husband and kids that would be fine, but in mixed company it does not play so well.
This is where the confusion comes in, because I am confused about any possible solutions. I am not the type that can bite my tongue when my pain is raw. I am too smart, or stubborn, or flat out stupid to pretend that I am existing in a different reality. I guess my best hope is that I will be over it all in a short amount of time and I will not be emotional when I encounter those who are likely to rip at my sore spots.
